Very Good
2007
Praising Good Behaviour: what's wrong with saying 'good girl' or 'good boy'
We know that, in child development, we should criticize the action not the actor. Telling a child that she or he is a bad girl or boy is avoided because it is harmful to the child's sense of self-worth. The commentary, You're bad, You're naughty, You're stupid, gradually leaves its mark on the child's identity. We say, rather, that a certain behaviour is unhelpful or harmful, disruptive or destructive, not that the child is bad for exhibiting the behaviour. Equally, we shouldn't attribute negative motives to the child. Calling a child's actions malicious, revengeful or thoughtless is another way- slightly more subtle but no less damaging for that - of condemning the child rather than the behaviour.
We should apply the same principles to behaviour deemed good. Praising the child rather than the child's behaviour is similarly unhelpful to the child; it's the other side of the same coin. We should rather praise the behaviour.
Very often, the behaviour is praiseworthy not for its intrinsic worth but because the praised behaviour is simply what the parent or carer wants the child to do. The only 'good' quality of the behaviour is that he is doing as he's told. Is this actually good? I can think of many contexts in which doing as one is told is very far from good behaviour. In an extreme example, it was the defence of the Nazi war criminals, rejected by Nuremberg court. In more everyday contexts doing as one is told is usually commendable only by the authorities who give the directive. Doing what the boss says may help you to keep your job, but it is not good in itself.
Doing as you are told can easily violate other principles, such as acting according to your best interests, acting according to your values, acting according to the principle of the greatest good - or any other value or principle. If it's good at all, doing what you're told is fairly low down the list of goods. Praising a child for doing what we tell them and - as is commonly the case - doing this repeatedly, reinforces the message that obedience is a principle much more valuable than most of us believe.
On the far less common occasions when the behaviour deemed good is praised not because the child is obeying a directive but, for example, when the behaviour is helpful to another individual, or demonstrates thoughtfulness, skill or intelligence, telling the child she is good is markedly unhelpful. If the behaviour is thoughtful, rather say, That was a very thoughtful thing to do; if it was helpful, say, That was a very helpful thing to do ... I think you get the idea. Being specific about the quality of an action is far more useful to the child than the vague description of good. The vague and indiscriminate use of the word actually undermines the concept.
Additionally, calling the child good for certain behaviours makes the adult the arbiter of what is good and not good. Better for the child to learn through guidance and the consequences of their behaviour and determine for themselves what is good or not. What is good behaviour or otherwise, I'm suggesting, relates to the consequences of the behaviour. Behaviour is not good or bad in itself.
It is certainly true that children have to do what they are told much, much more often that they would like. It is no doubt good for us and good for them that they do what adults tell them. But easy acquiescence or compliance is not a mark of good character. Praising the behaviour we would say, for example, Washing up the dishes was very helpful, thank you; or, I really appreciated it when you said 'thank you'. Identify the commendable behaviour, and express what was commendable about it.
The word good is not a neutral description; it has a moral dimension. In fact, the moral dimension is the greater part of the concept of good. When a child is called a good boy or girl, their soul is being commended.
What's the implication when the child doesn't do what the parent or carer wants them to do? What's the result when the behaviour that would have been declared good is not forthcoming and she receives disapproval instead of praise? If the child does what the parent wants she is good; when the child does what the child wants she is bad. At least, she is not good. What a conflict for a child. What I want is not good; what carer wants is good: what shall I do? Either way, I feel bad. Doing good equals feeling bad. Very confusing. From this perspective the world seems very complicated and unwelcoming.
Indeed, it often happens that a child who has just been described as good does something bad - without any apparent provocation. This is very confusing to the carer who has just praised the soul of the child. But the child is demonstrating honesty. She knows that she is not good. She remembers all those bad things that she's done - many of which the carer might not even know about. The description good is undeserved. She better demonstrate this immediately; it is honest to do so. It would be bad to accept this commendation when she doesn't properly deserve it. So she does something which is simultaneously good and bad: good because it's a demonstration of honesty; bad because it is a deliberately negative act of badness. All of this confusion would have been avoided if the behaviour, rather than the person, had been commended.
Of course, the child's noncompliant behaviour may be exasperating for the parent, and the parent may express this. But the message is not that the child is bad for not doing what the parent wants and good when he does what the parent wants, but that the parent is exasperated when he doesn't do what the parent wants. This is a completely different message. It may be helpful to the child to fall in with the parent's wishes, because there are consequences for disobeying. But the issue is not a moral one and has no bearing on the child's morality. Parental and social expectation should not be confused with morality. Self-worth should not depend on conformity and obedience.
(c) Jonathan Livingstone 29 July 2010
About the Author
Jonathan Livingstone is a therapist, coach, trainer and writer with practices in Leamington Spa and London Paddington. He helps individuals, including babies, children and teenagers, and works with couples. An innovator in the field of personal development and emotional intelligence, he is the creator of Temporal Modelling (to identify the sources of problems) and Inner Self Resolution (to heal past traumas), and combines the most effective contemporary therapeutic models. He is author of The Therapist Within You: a handbook of kinesiology self-therapy with the pendulum (Lemniscate, 2009) (see http://www.therapistwithin.com ). For more information about his practice, please visit http://www.therapy-coaching.co.uk or telephone 07862 226143.
"IT WAS A VERY GOOD YEAR"
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